I wish I only lived at night.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
