I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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