my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
