the condom got lost in my hair
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
