so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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