call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
