Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize