You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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