i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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