and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
