I didn't shave. On purpose
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
