she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it's like heaven, but drunker
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
