12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
