I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize