Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
