what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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