Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize