What did we do last night that was yellow?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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