I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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