i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
