i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
