hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
