I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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