Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
