Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize