im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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