found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
