if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
