I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
