If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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