You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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