How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
