I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
