I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
