i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
