I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
