you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
