Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
