It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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