got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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