hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think my moral compass just broke
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
