Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
