New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
