living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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