ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
