I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
