Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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