I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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