Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
