So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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