Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
