so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
