So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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