I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
