Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
