you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
