I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
