I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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