I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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