I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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