And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
