I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
