I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
