What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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